I realized why my previous D/s and M/s dynamics didn’t work out. A person would periodically ask me for something, my time, my clinical expertise, to help them explore their kinks, etc.
After time would go by, I’d start wondering, “What am I getting out of this? I’m putting in time and energy into this person and they’re simply taking it and wanting more.”
So, I’d introduce the concept of a Power Exchange dynamic. They’d agree. We’d negotiate the terms of the dynamic, which included them still getting what they’ve been receiving from me and me also getting things I wanted from them. Two and half to three months later, their commitment would begin to fade, and shortly after the dynamic would cease to exist. I realized they agreed to what I proposed to keep getting what they wanted from me. They were never genuinely interested in being such a relationship. They were never invested in growing and maintaining a Power Exchange dynamic.
The lesson I learned is to wait until I meet someone who wants a Power Exchange dynamic first; to serve first and not use service as a way to get what they want from me. This was my ‘aha moment.’
The challenge for me is that I enjoy helping people so I’ll need to curve how much I do that. I’ll need to stay reflective of what the person is offering in exchange for what they seek from me. Lessening my readiness to help will decrease the number of people who enter, and attempt to stay, in my life simply to take advantage of me or end up taking me for granted.
I do believe any type of relationship or dynamic must be reciprocal to be healthy. Each person must have their wants and desires met, and it requires commitment and dedication from both of them. There may be times when things seem uneven. However, that’s the typical ebb and flow of relationships. As long as things are more balanced than are unbalanced, things should work out favorably for all persons involved.
The key is knowing when enough is enough; if something unsatisfactorily lingers on past the point you feel it should. The same goes in reverse. If you’re being indecisive or noncommittal, you can’t realistically expect the other person to endlessly wait for you to get yourself, thoughts, or emotions stabilized. If you need help, seek it from a professional versus potentially ruining an otherwise good relationship or dynamic.
Every day isn’t going to be a good day. However, the good should definitely outweigh the bad, and there should be ongoing communication in the meantime to help things get back on the good track. Don’t underestimate open, honest, transparent, and respectful communication.
I look forward to reading your thoughts and experiences regarding why you believe your past friendships, relationships, or D/s-M/s dynamics didn’t work out.
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