Dating Disillusionment

I find dating, or trying to date, very disheartening. It seems to me that men don’t “court” women anymore. They seem to expect sex after one or two dates as if a plate of food is payment for my body. I’ve heard from men that they don’t want to waste their money “dating” if they’re not going to get anything in return.

Kat Williams - Dismissed

What ever happened to getting to know a person?


Shouldn’t having sex with someone be special and not just something to do? Isn’t a person’s body worth more than a plate of food? Especially, since you can go out and eat by yourself or with other friends.

I’m told that we live in a different time and age and that sex is to be expected, especially among middle aged adults. Men tell me – at our age we’ve had sex, we know what it feels like, we know that we like it, and we want to have it whether in a monogamous relationship or not.

I was asked if I hate men. No, I don’t hate men at all. I hate the pressure put upon me by men that I owe them something. I asked several men how do I know a man is interested in getting to know me as a person or if he simply wants sex? And if him disappearing after one or two dates indicates that he was only interested in sex. I was told that I’m not that special to think a man only wants sex from me after a date. Say that again. Does that mean he wants to have sex with me because he thinks I’m not special?

Again I asked, how do I know if a man is interested in me as a person or if he simply wants sex? I didn’t receive a clear answer. I think a man is only interested in having sex with me IF we have had a nice time out, good conversation, went out on a second date, he invites me over, I decline saying that I don’t know him well enough yet to go to his house, and he doesn’t call me again or return my calls. I take that as my answer, especially since the men I have asked aren’t able to provide me with one.

I will add that when I do go on dates, if there is a second date, I usually pay for something. If we go to the movies and he pays for the movie, I pay for the snacks. If we make it to the unusual third date, I usually pay for that meal. So, where are guys getting the mentality that if they keep taking a woman out on dates they’re owed “something?” Am I not worth spending time with without sex being a factor? I’m told by men that I place too much emphasis on sex. However, they’re the ones who bring it up.

I believe a good relationship begins with friendship and that building a friendship takes time. The men that approach me aren’t willing to put in the time to build a friendship; but seem to want sex as part of friendship building. I have been told that men want “friendship sex.” Hmmmm and yet, I’m told that I place too much emphasis on it. All of the above tells me that the men who are approaching me are not the men that I should be spending my time with. And, before you get the wrong idea – I LOVE sex. I simply want it to be with someone special and not from him making me feel obligated.

What do you think about dating? Should sex be a part of the process? Should it be saved for someone special? Do you think society is oversexualized?

Please share and leave your comments below.

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I journeyed from GED to a PhD in Psychology. I decided to focus on my writing once I retired from the clinical field. I write in various genres and have several WIPs for publication once edited. I post articles on this website for intellectual and entertainment purposes.

3 thoughts on “Dating Disillusionment”

  1. Some guys are everything you seem to imply here but a lot aren’t.
    If I might suggest you begin by being on the same page. Is the guy looking for a relationship or a one night stand? Either is fine, but he should be honest and both your expectations should match up.

    Also keep in mind there are women out there who will play a man along to the point of bankruptcy. More fool him if he falls for it, but this has left many men jaded.

    Male thinking tends to be mechanical. We do view a lot of things like a transaction. The grown ups among us know that there are places, dating being one of them, that this isn’t the case but our natural tendency is to view the world as a vending machine. If we put in our coin and don’t get our candy bar we feel cheated. I’m not saying this is appropriate to dating and it is something men need to grow up about, but it is an insight into our core nature and how we think.

    Another thing even men looking for a relationship are looking for is someone compatible. The reasoning is that is a woman avoids sex over long she has a low drive or views it as a tool to extort things from men. Either case results in a lot of aggravation and the man not getting what he wants from the relationship thus better to cut bate and move on before he becomes anymore invested financially and or emotionally.

    Your statement: “I think a man is only interested in having sex with me IF we have had a nice time out, good conversation, went out on a second date, he invites me over, I decline saying that I don’t know him well enough yet to go to his house, and he doesn’t call me again or return my calls.”

    Here you are indicating that no is your default. This is man speak, I know women see the message differently but in man speak you are simply saying no and possibly even, “you need to put in a lot more effort,” the latter statement prices you out of the market that price being time, emotion, and finance. Try adding a clarifying statement like, “I’m not saying never, I’m saying let’s get to know each other better. By the way, the next date lets make it Dutch. I like you and I’d like to see if something can grow without the pressure of either of us paying.”

    Never assume a man will, ‘get what you’re saying.’ Be blunt and plain in your communications with us. We aren’t idiots we just operate on a different system of linguistic assumptions.

    That’s my advice as a man who’s been married for thirty years and is still trying to work things out. Sorry it turned into a novel.

    1. Hi Stephen, I appreciate you reading my article and commenting. I’m often reminded that ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.’ 🙂
      Come back and comment anytime. You’re always welcome!

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