Friendship: Learning Someone

The “F” Word

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

I’m a pragmatic person who says what I mean and mean what I say.

I’ve heard it said (or read it somewhere) that the problem with people who say what they mean and mean what they say is that they think everyone is that way. I agree it’s a problem for me while at the same time it’s difficult for me trust others who aren’t that way. I know it’s an unrealistic expectation to expect everyone to be honest, but I’m still disheartened when I realize some people talk just to talk. People say good things, even great things, and then comes the time when their actions don’t match their words. It’s at that point that I not only begin to distrust that person, but I also begin to question other things they have said to me.

In thinking about “trust” I decided to do a quick internet dictionary search of the word (just for reference as most of us already know what it means). http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trust defines “trust” as a noun: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.; assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something: one in which confidence is placed: dependence on something future or contingent : hope. 

How, may I ask, do you trust a person who doesn’t say what they mean or mean what they say? This isn’t a question simply for a blog article; it’s a legitimate question. I sometimes ask people that question and I’m never given an answer other than, “You don’t.”

I’ve come to realize that people who don’t say what they mean or mean what they say very rarely realize the problem it causes. They seem to expect to be trusted and for their words to be taken seriously. There’s a line in the movie “Rush Hour,” where the character Carter assumes that the character Lee cannot speak English. Carter talks incessantly and upon finally hearing Lee speak English he questions Lee about his earlier quietness. Lee says, “You like to talk. I like to let people talk who like to talk.” I feel that way sometimes, especially when meeting new people.

I’ll be at dinner with someone and listen to what they say. Sometimes they even comment on how quiet I am. Little do they know that I’m truly listening to what they’re saying with the intent of finding out later, through continued interactions with them, if their actions match their words. Sadly, I’m no longer surprised when it doesn’t. I do give second and even third chances for a person to rebuild the trust I’ve lost in them. They say they’ll do something and don’t, and after a while my trust in them is completely gone. With all of that said, it’s understood that feelings may change or something may come up disallowing you to do something you previously said you would. Good communication would be letting the object of your communication know your feelings have changed and explain why you aren’t able to do something you earlier said you would. It’s really that simple. The lack of trust in what a person says leads me to cease communicating with them. What’s the point in carrying on a conversation with someone whom I don’t trust?

 I’d like to know your thoughts on trust, saying what you mean and meaning what you say; how a person loses your trust, and how they can gain it back.

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