People often comment how transparent I am; how I put important things out upfront.
When meeting new people, or on my online profile, I outline what I feel may be deal-breakers for others i.e. I’m a polyamorist, I’m active in the BDSM community, I identify as a Master in the Leather Community, I deal with situational depression, and I’m a disabled veteran diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I’m sure I’m missing a few things. People say, “I’d never put all of that, it may scare someone off.” My reaction is, “Exactly! If they’re not the one for me, I’ll know it before either of us invests time and energy into building a friendship.” My thought is this, “I want someone to know as much as possible so they can make as informed a decision as possible on whether or not they want to invest in me and possibly become a part of my life.” And, vice versa. I want to know the important bullets of someone’s life.
I don’t include sexual intimacy in the process of getting to know someone. I want to know what I’m getting myself into. I know many people who are satisfied with casual sex and ‘we’ll see what happens.’ Me? I desire a relationship, which means first developing a friendship. I don’t want to be sexually intimate with a person without knowing who they are, only to find out who they are and realize I don’t like them as a person. I dislike the idea of opening myself up to sexual intimacy simply to move on to the next guy. I’m not knocking casual sex. I’m not judging those how enjoy hooking up. I’m simply saying, it’s not for me. Yes, I’ve tried it and it has been confirmed; it’s not for me.
I deal with a lot in my personal life. My physical disability. My mother’s declining mental state. My grandmother’s declining physical health. I ration my emotions and physical activity. When I meet someone new, I determine if I have enough energy for this person. Are they exhibiting they have enough time and energy for me? Getting to know someone takes physical time. If I meet a guy and he doesn’t seem to have time to see me face-to-face, even though he says differently, I know by his lack of action that he isn’t the man for me. If he’s not communicative about his feelings or what’s going on in his life. He’s not the one for me. I hold other people to the same standard I hold myself to.
I’ve suggested to many individuals to listen to another’s actions more than their words. I believe the saying, “Actions speak louder than words” to be true. People will say what sounds good, or what they think sounds good, while their actions are contrary. Pay attention. If you’re okay with being closed off, accept that from others. If you’re not willing to put in time and energy into someone else’s life, don’t expect them to do it for you. Do what you’d like done. Behave in a way that reflects how you want to be treated. When someone doesn’t reciprocate, especially after you’ve shared your thoughts and feelings, it’s time for you to move on and be available for someone else. Never hold on to someone that doesn’t want to be held.
If you share your life’s situations and circumstances with someone and they’re not empathic or seem to not even care to hear it, they’re not the one for you. If a person wants to know you, they’ll be interested in your life whether what’s happening in your life is good, bad, or indifferent.
It’s important to understand that life doesn’t always seem good. Every moment doesn’t seem like a good moment, and that’s okay. The key is to maintain open communication through the down and troubled times. A person who isn’t willing to do that, isn’t the right one for you. Unless, you’re okay with a low degree of open communication.
There may be times you feel you’re giving more than you’re getting from a friendship or relationship and that’s okay. However, you shouldn’t feel like that all the time. A person shouldn’t drain the life from you and still keep squeezing to receive more. Friendships and relationships are give and give, I wrote an article about that a little while ago.
Know who you are, be open about what’s going on in your life, and hold others to the same standard you hold yourself to.
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I look forward to reading your thoughts and experiences regarding how much time and transparency you put into potentially new friendships and relationships. Have you withheld information and later felt you shouldn’t have? Have you shared information and felt it was excessive for the other person to hear? Are you okay with not knowing what someone else may consider important details about their life?
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