BDSM: Negotiating Adult Play Scenes or Sessions

Adult play is supposed to be fun, which is way it’s called “play.” However, there are still some safeguards we need to set in place, before we begin, to ensure a scene or session goes well.

NOTE: A scene is play for the sake of play. A session is paying for someone’s time to indulge in play.

I came across a Consent Checklist, years ago, which has proven to be extremely useful for me to determine what I can and can’t do to someone as well as help them clarify what they consent to. The list was six pages long. The first thing I did was reformat it into two columns, which reduced it to three pages.

The second thing I did was delete everything that I know I’d never want to do, things that were hard limits for me. The third thing I did was copy the list for the purpose of making one a “client” consent checklist and the other a “personal” list. The difference is that some items are illegal to charge for, hence, a client shouldn’t be asking for them nor should you be charging for them.

The fourth thing I did was breakdown some of the items. For example, under Bondage, I listed options to include chain, ratchet straps, bondage tape, rope, zip ties, handcuffs (metal, furry, leather), etc. For Impact Play, I listed options to include floggers, canes, birches, paddles, rug beaters, thumpers, straps, etc.

It’s important to be as specific as possible when discussing what types of play are desired for a scene or session. If someone says they want impact play, the questions arise on what types of impact play? With what types of implements? Where can they be struck on the body? Having the consent checklist in such detail helps move along that part of the discussion. It also alleviates miscommunication because you can look at the list and see what they agreed to and what they didn’t consent to.

I have them mark the checklist according to a color system.

  • Green: Things they’ve tried, enjoyed, want to try again, or definitely want to do even if never tried before.
  • Yellow (soft limit): Things they want to try but may be nervous or unsure about.
  • Red (hard limit): Things they do NOT want to try.

I’m at a play space and someone approaches me for a scene, I mentally run through the list according to what’s in my toy bag or in theirs. The person having their own toys is much easier because I know they have what they like and what they desire to be used on them. This, however, doesn’t negate the necessity of verbal negotiations.

The following is a short list of what questions I ask during negotiations.

  1. What type of play do you want to engage in?
  2. What’s your experience with that type of play? If you’ve had experience, what did you like about it, dislike about it? The answer to this question helps me tailor my actions to what they enjoy the most.
  3. What implements can I use on you?
  4. Where, specifically, can I hit or touch you?
  5. Where, specifically, can I not hit or touch you?
  6. Do you have any past or present medical conditions? If so, how are you managing them?
  7. Are you on any medications for medical conditions? If so, what are they?
  8. Do you have any mental health challenges? If so, how you are managing them?
  9. Are you on any medications to help you manage mental health challenges? If so, which ones?
  10. If something triggers you, what should I do to help you de-escalate?
  11. Do you have any past or present physical injuries? Or surgeries?
  12. How is your mood right now?
  13. Have you eaten recently?
  14. Are you hydrated?
  15. What are your aftercare needs/wants?

I appreciate when people ask me questions as well. If you’re seeking someone to do a scene with you, you should be asking them questions. If you’re not comfortable asking them things, you shouldn’t play with them. You need to feel comfortable and trust them to not injure you or violate your consent.

It’s important to note that consent can be revoked at any time. You may be negotiating with someone and begin to feel uncomfortable. It’s totally okay to say you’d rather not do the scene. Even if the scene has already begun, you’re not obligated to continue. If at any time you feel uneasy, for whatever reason, tell the person you need the scene to end immediately. Don’t feel bad about it. Don’t feel ashamed. Don’t feel guilty. The purpose of play is to have fun and for you and the other person to have an enjoyable memorable experience.

If you have any questions, please ask. If you’d like a copy of the Consent Checklist I use, email me and I’ll send it to you. Keep in mind, I did tailor it to my specific desires and things I don’t mind doing.

I’d love to hear about your experiences with negotiating adult play as well as if you’ve learned anything from this article.

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Thanks in advance.

Published by

Dion

I journeyed from GED to a PhD in Psychology. I decided to focus on my writing once I retired from the clinical field. I write in various genres and have several WIPs for publication once edited. I post articles on this website for intellectual and entertainment purposes.

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