I receive numerous messages from men who find me on Fetlife, my (this) website, Twitter, and word of mouth.
My process for getting to know someone, whether for my personal intimate relationships or potential authority-imbalanced (or power-exchange) dynamics, is based on gauging potential compatibility for that person and I to be together long-term. Of course, anything can happen and things not work out. However, I don’t go into it believing the person is dispensable.
Some don’t understand what I mean by personal intimate relationships and how that differs, for me, from an authority-imbalanced dynamic. It’s really simple. I don’t include sexual intimacy in my BDSM activities or use such as a dominating act or a task of submission from someone. There is the possibly that a BDSM relationship may grow to include sexual intimacy, but it’s not my focus. My goal is to build and maintain a strong foundation based on honesty, trust, transparency, respect, obedience, structure, rules, and integrity without blurring the lines of servitude with physical sexual intimacy.
There are many who include traditional sexual acts in their BDSM lifestyle and there are those, like me, who don’t. If I had a goat, my goat would be gotten each time someone assumed I include sex in my dominance. Some even expect it. Some are confused that I don’t do it.
Back to compatibility and my process for gauging it, specifically for my BDSM lifestyle though there is some overlap between that and my communicating with a potential love interest. One of the first things I do when I receive a message is read it a few times before responding. There are some I don’t respond to at all. Messages such as men saying I’d be a perfect Mistress for them because they want me to do such-and-such to them or they want to do such-and-such to me. Or they want me to help them explore BDSM and be their introduction into the lifestyle and my circle of friends. Or they simply want to be able to say they have a Mistress.
Then there’s those who ask, even beg, to serve me. I ask these men a lot of questions. What does “service” mean to you? What is your skill set? What is your educational level? Are you stable in your career? What are you good at? What do you have to offer to a Mistress? Are you physically available to provide what your definition of service is? What is your understanding and belief about authority-imbalanced dynamics? Why did you contact me asking to “serve?” What is your purpose in “serving,” what does it do for you? et al.
If they’re unable to clearly articulate responses to those and other questions along those lines, I’m done. How do I share a vision that a man doesn’t have? How do I know someone will be useful to me if they don’t know their skill set? How do I know he’ll provide the type of service I desire if he doesn’t know what “service” means to him? How can I be sure of a person who isn’t sure about themselves? How do I know I can meet someone’s wants and desires if I don’t know what they are?
My conclusion has been leaning toward not giving too much time by way of correspondence to men who are new to the BDSM lifestyle. I’ve been thinking I need someone who has a firm standing within the community and have some understanding of authority-imbalanced dynamics. Someone who isn’t expecting me to spell everything out for them, essentially doing all the ground work for them. Intimate relationship or authority-imbalanced dynamic, I believe each person should hold themselves responsible in knowing themselves as well as what they want and hope to gain from being with the other person.
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